My Nancy picks

Michael,

I need your help in an investigation. The person in front of Old Navy who gave me this Nancy pool is cheating. I don't know how but I'm determined to find out.

I picked the Morgan State Bears and he said they lost to the Oklahoma Sooners. A bear can beat an old boat anytime. He's lying.

He said the UCLA Bruins lost to a bunch of Wildcats from Villanova. No cat, no matter how wild ever beat a Bruin. Question. What do bears eat? Answer. Wildcats.

The Robert Morris Colonials lost to Michigan State Spartans? Spartans don't even exist anymore. What kind of nonsense is that?

The Akron Zips lost to the Gonzaga Zags? The what? Gonzaga? Zags??? Are you kidding me?

Cornell Big Red lost to the Missouri Tigers? Well, looking back, I can see that as it's Andy's old school. What was I thinking?

The Eagles of Boston College lost to the Usk(?) Trojans? An eagle could fly circles around a trojan and poke his eyes out, for crying out loud.

And last but not least, the Golden Bears of California lost to the Maryland Turtles? Ridiculous. A bear could crush the turtles shell and eat him in no time flat.

If I find that guy in front of Old Navy, I'll get him to give me my money back. If you see him, let me know.

Sincerely,
Dwight Schrute
Former Assistant (to the) Regional Manager
Dunder-Mifflin, Scranton Branch

Nancy tourney updates

Michael,

You will never beat me in the last place spot in this year’s Nancy pool – I meant to lose. I will now gain free entry into next year’s contest win and use the money to fund my own pool where I can run algorithms on everyone else’s picks to assure my continual winning.

By the way the bears of UCLA, California and Morgan St. will prevail again, don’t you recall Rule 17: Don't turn your back on bears, men you have wronged or the dominant Turkey during mating season.

There are 40 rules all Schrute boys must learn before the age of 5. Learn your rules; you better learn your rules. If you don't you'll be eaten in your sleep!

Sincerely,
Dwight Schrute
Former Assistant (to the) Regional Manager
Dunder-Mifflin, Scranton Branch

Okay, okay, I joined one of those Nancy pools...

Micheal,

As crazy as these college basketball fans on Church Street seem to be - I have decided to try my luck and predict some upsets in their Nancy pool. I am pretty confident in my forecasting abilities so here are my picks and my coveted rationale (which I am only sharing with you in confidence as when I win I am sure college sports analysts all over the country will be eager to know):

Boston College, as it is the closest school to Burlington VT where I am currently living - I can't pick a school from around here because all of VT's athletes are pitiful.

Robert Morris, to support a fine PA school and team - not that I believe any college is better than the school of life.

Connecticut, in memory of the former Dunder Mifflin Stamford branch.

Cornell, cause I know more about Cornell than Andy ever will and I didn't even go there.

California, duh - the Golden Bears.

Pittsburgh, yet another fine PA school and team - you didn't go to college Micheal (or one with any real sports) and you turned out OK.

UCLA, duh - the Bruins, in case you needed to the education - a bruin is type of bear.

Akron, in honor of the Dunder-Mifflin branch there.

Syracuse, because they are the closest team to the Rochester branch. Rochester is like a more affluent Syracuse.

Morgan St., duh - the Bears.

Sincerely,
Dwight Schrute
Former Assistant (to the) Regional Manager

Dunder-Mifflin, Scranton Branch

It's Madness Michael...

People all over Burlington have gone mad. The guys in front of Old Navy and Brooks keep coming up to me asking to join their Nancy AA Pool. They are throwing papers in front of me saying I need to fill out their paper work and brackets and give them cash by Thursday at Noon.

I'm not doing that.

All this college talk, N. Dakota State? Binghamton? Northern Iowa? Robert Morris? I went to college at the Schrute Beet School of Hard Knocks. I don't get it. Some guy named Billy Packer asked me if I could help him find a job. It seems he was supposed to be on TV last Sunday for some selection but he got fired. I told him to hit the road.

They say they are all meeting at Nectar's at 12:10 PM on Thursday to watch some sort of sporting event. I'm not interested unless it's gutting a bear or deer.

These people are nuts, talking about March Madness. Of course, I'd go mad too if I lived here as one day it's 50 degrees and the next day it snows. Scranton is sounding pretty good right now, who knows, I may be back soon.

Sincerely,

Dwight Schrute

Former Assistant (to the) Regional Manager

Dunder-Mifflin, Scranton Branch

I've written a book...

Michael,

I've found my niche, doing something I know and love even better than selling paper. I wrote about bears, as I am an expert having gutted my fair share of the Schrute Beet Farm.

Question: What is the strongest bear?
Answer: Wrong, the black bear is strongest.

Question: What do bears like to eat?
Answer: Wrong, fish and berries.

Do you know anything about bears Michael? If not, you should read my book. My publisher, Lenny, who stands in front of Brooks asking for quarters (hey, it's a living... at least that he tells me), is quite excited about my book. We only have two copies so far as that's all Lenny could afford down at Kinko's. Some days Lenny collects more quarters than others.

If you want a copy or two, give your spare change to Lenny tomorrow. I'll have him run down to Kinko's and make you a copy. For an extra buck in his bucket, I'll sign it for you. For two bucks, I'll have him hand deliver it to your desk.

Sincerely,
Dwight Schrute
Former Assistant (to the) Regional Manager
Currently An Author of Bear Books
Dunder-Mifflin, Scranton Branch

Will it ever stop snowing in Vermont???

Michael,

I was told by the locals that spring was here. And then it snowed two more inches and the roads were so icy, I fell on my head and as I don't have detached arms, I couldn't get up. I even asked my friends in front of Old Navy to help me up and they just laughed.

So, after a kind soul felt sorry for me and picked me up, I flew to Mexico. I needed a break from the cold weather. As you can see the weather is lovely, sunny and warm. The sand is perfect for cooking sea animals. Tonight I'm having dolphin but he doesn't know it yet. I bought a car as the deals are excellent now. Zero percent financing and they through in two strawberry daiquiris as incentive.

I like Vermont but am afraid I'm not coming back until the real spring comes. Even the clock change didn't help as I over slept and flew to Antarctica while on the plane. So, I'm out of money again. I did find a part time job that financed my trip to Mexico. I can't tell you much about how I made the money but I will say that it's amazing how much they pay for Moose skins here in Vermont.

I will have to find another job once I get back to Vermont. But not until it's warmer. They say in 3-4 months, it'll be nice there again.

Sincerely,
Dwight Schrute
Former Assistant (to the) Regional Manager
Dunder-Mifflin, Scranton Branch

I feel like a native so...

Michael,

I went skiing. Apparently, Vermonters can't figure out what to do with themselves when it's cold outside, so they grab boards, put them on their feet and go get colder. Makes no sense to me but it is their local custom, so I played along.

I had to make due with equipment that I made and found but it was worth it. The weather was great, sunny but lots of snow. I had a little trouble getting on the lift but I met some people visiting from Germany and I had nein trouble asking them for help.

Have you ever skied Michael? I didn't think so. Do you know what skiing is? Skiing began in Germany in the 14th century by a monk named Johann VonSkiingDownDerMount. Not many people know that.

Perhaps a future team building event at Dunder-Mifflin could include a skiing trip to Vermont? That might entice me to return to the office. If you could send me money for some real skis so that while I'm here, I can practice more efficiently, that would be appreciated. I don't need money for mittens, as you see my hands are conveniently tucked in my pockets. I do have to return the chopsticks soon to the local Chinese restaurant.

That's all for now. I'm headed out to Church Street again in pursuit of gainful employment. Wish me well, although I don't need it. I am infinitely more intelligent than half the people hanging out in front of Old Navy sucking down coffees and smoking their Lucky's.

Sincerely,
Dwight Schrute
Former Assistant (to the) Regional Manager
Dunder-Mifflin, Scranton Branch

Job Interview

Michael,

I had my first job interview at a construction company. It's called Lego's Rock. They build tiny buildings and the workers are quiet small, compared to me. I guess they do things differently in Vermont. Maybe the soil has something to do with it? I can't actually see the soil though as it's covered with snow, as usual. How do people live here?

I interviewed with the manager last Friday. When I met him, he introduced himself as Big Bob, Big Bob's "Lego's Rock" Construction Company. So I asked him what line of business he was in? (Tell Ryan, he'll get a kick out of that.)

Anyway, I thought they might need someone to sell paper but apparently not. They just build things out of Lego's. Interesting, NOT! A bear could rip through this stuff like it's nothing. Personally, I think Big Bob has some other issues but I am on a mission to find a job, not debate the intellectual aptitude of the native Vermonter. And it's still white here, not green. These people, I tell you. Can't name a state to save their lives.

I will continue my pursuit of gainful employment elsewhere.

Sincerely,
Dwight Schrute
Former Assistant (to the) Regional Manager
Dunder-Mifflin, Scranton Branch