Mardi Gras parade

Michael,


The longer I stay in Vermont the more I like it. It's past Ash Wednesday and yet these people had a Mardi Gras parade. Mardi Gras means Fat Tuesday and it was Saturday? These Burlingtonians can be strange but fun.

I attended alone as it seems the friends I've chosen (or who have thrust themselves upon me) are not always the best. I wasn't really in sync with that Lance guy but if you speak to Oscar, let him know I did get his phone number.


But I digress. I didn't get any beads or chocolate coins as I still find it difficult to grab things when my arms are attached to my body. If and when I ever return to you, Michael, could you work on that?

I trust you had a pleasant Mardi Gras, whatever day you decided to celebrate it.

Sincerely,
Dwight Schrute
Former Assistant (to the) Regional Manager
Dunder-Mifflin, Scranton Branch

Some guy named Lance Synch?

Greetings Michael!

My name is Lance Bass. And to Dwight all I can say is: Yo! Thank God I found you! I think my career is in a tail spin. I heard you were in Burlington. I was told that I was booked to perform at a place called Recycle North???

Since I am in tune with the environment, I agreed do play it. However, Recycle North does not appear to be much of a venue as it is a dumping ground for unwanted bobble-heads. Some kind soul told me you were in town and has brought me to you.

Maybe with your help I can finally raise enough money for my space mission. In any event, we b-heads should help each other out and stick together.

Michael, this is Dwight. Help me, this guy is loony! He can't spell, says he used to be a boy band called NSynch? No vowels? In synch to what? He keeps asking me if I can sing the bass part.

I don't people like this holding me back from my mission of... um... whatever. Anyway, he's crazy. Since he came, all these teeny-bopper girls, like the ones who work at Ben & Jerry's have been following us around screaming. It makes it hard to sleep here at the bus stop on Cherry Street.

I implore you to send cash to give to this guy with a fake beard. Be a man and grow a real beard, none of this little facial stubble. Stubble is trouble.

Sincerely,
Dwight Schrute
Former Assistant (to the) Regional Manager
Dunder-Mifflin, Scranton Branch

Snow bunnies

Michael,

I made some new friends. They don't talk much but I much prefer that anyhow. We played in the snow and it was much more fun than watching the MacDonna character attempt to sing to Alex. I did hear he's playing his sport again and hit a home-run yesterday. Whatever.

I'm enjoying my time in Vermont. It's not Scranton but what is? I probably will need to find a job soon as I haven't received any money from you via petty cash. Is there a problem? All those years I served you with all my heart and soul, what did it get me?

Well, I may never come back as these Vermont people are friendly. I will fill you on my job hunting experiences shortly. There's a recession on, I hear, so most people are nervous. Not me, I'm a Schrute and I'm loaded with skills. And my knives and a grenade, so if anyone doesn't give me a job, well...

Sincerely,
Dwight Schrute
Former Assistant (to the) Regional Manager
Dunder-Mifflin, Scranton Branch

Sprechen zie Vermont???

Michael,


I have been practicing my German here while in Vermont but most Vermonters speak either French or English. I know how to speak English, that's not really impressive to me. And French, well, we already went over that Green Mountain thing with the Ver and Mont. Silly peasants.


German is a man's language, lots of grunting and such. Gunten tag, mien frueline. Sprechen zie Deutch???


Nope, nobody speaks German here. Maybe I'll cross the border into Canada or New York. Must be someone there who speaks German. And I haven't found any German potatoes, just French fries. Quite disgusting. Nien.

What a bunch of Doomkoffs!


Sincerely,

Dwight Schrute
Former Assistant (to the) Regional Manager
Dunder-Mifflin, German Branch

People eat ice cream in the winter...

Michael,

It's crazy but true. It's 12 below zero here and snow everywhere these Burlingtonianiwicz's still manage to inhale ice cream. They all seem to be drawn towards these Ben & Jerry's characters.

I went inside but Ben & Jerry weren't there, just three teeny bopping girls who giggled the whole time I was in there. Maybe they haven't seen anyone as sophisticated as me before as Scranton is the big time compared to Vermont. Whatever the reason, I decided to have some, to try and experience all that Vermont offers. They had many different unique flavors, Chunkey Monkey, Cherry Garcia but they didn't have Mint Chocolate Beets, Hairy Beary or Battlestar Gallactica Crunchies. Personally I prefer a plate of shredded beets and bear meat.

As I left, the girls said to me, "Peace, love and ice cream!"

I told them, "Whatever". Stupid marketing gimmick, it'll never catch on.

And the mountains are still white, not green.

Sincerely,
Dwight Schrute
Former Assistant (to the) Regional Manager
Dunder-Mifflin, Scranton Branch

Lions and tigers and bears, oh my...

Michael,

I met some new friends and they all say hi. At least, that's what I interpretted as they are animals. I can only speak a little bear, so it was hard to tell exactly what they are saying.

After finally getting rid of my old friends, which I will never mention again (Alex & MacDonna), I am happy to be out in nature, living the wild life. I met a bear, a beaver, a frog and a moose, which apparently are indigenous to Vermont, and most people here have them as pets. They roam the streets quite often and love the Green Mountain state.

Question... Do you know why Vermont is named Vermont?
Answer... Ver mean green in French and Mont means big, giant hill.

What I don't understand is these big old hills here are not green but white. Maybe they should change the state name to Whitemont? Seems silly to me to keep the name Vermont when it doesn't make any sense. It's like Scranton, combining both Scran (get lost) and ton (lots of weight), meaning lose weight. Maybe Scranton should change their name to BiggestLoser, PA?

Sincerely,
Dwight Schrute
Former Assistant (to the) Regional Manager
Dunder-Mifflin, BiggestLoser Branch

I'm in cognito...

Michael,

I had to go into hiding as that MacDonna lady which acting pretty weird. Alex took off for Canada so I'm on my own again. I couldn't take it, she kept saying things like "An Aaaaaaa-Bomb, from Aaaaaaaaa-Rod!" and "Papa Don't Preach", it was making me ill.

Anyway, I'm laying low for a while. I'll be back in touch shortly.

Sincerely,

Dwight Schrute

Former Assistant (to the) Regional Manager

Dunder-Mifflin, Scranton Branch

Alex took a picture of me and MacDonna...

Michael,

Before Alex left, he took a picture of me and the MacDonna lady. I know how curious you are to find these things out. Personally, I think she's scary looking and I've gutted deer and bears. I don't have much time to chat as Alex took off for Montreal, something about needing to take the heat off this syringe thing and finding St. Catherines street and more women.


And I just realized he took my camera! Now where is my passport??? I have to go get it back.

Sincerely,
Dwight Schrute
Former Assistant (to the) Regional Manager
Dunder-Mifflin, Scranton Branch

My friend Alex and I are in a little trouble...

Michael,

My new friend Alex and I are having some media issues and I implore you to not read the paper for the next few days. It's a little embarrassing as while working out, Alex decided he had an infection or something, and injected himself with some liquids. It made his arms, legs and head bigger but don't worry, I didn't take any as my head is big enough. His name has been all over the local newspapers and on the internet which I read in the beautiful Fletcher Free Library in downtown Burlington. You should go read a book sometimes, the librarians are worried about you only reading Glamour magazines.

Apparently, Alex also played baseball for some professional team, the Yankees? Must be from north of us in Scranton. Anyway, he and I and his rather crude, older female friend will be out of touch for a while until, as he says, "The heat dies down." His female is nice enough but wears strange clothes and sings a lot. She said her name but I didn't quite catch it, Banana, or Madama or MacDonna? She has bleached blonde hair and is not attractive in the least, unlike my old love Angela.

That's all I can tell you for now Michael, but we are fine. Apparently, this Alex makes lots of money so we are headed to the Marriot Hotel downtown to relax and sit in the hot tub. We need to have peace and quiet because even though this blonde woman calls him a rod, people walking the streets have been calling Alex a hole.

And if you can explain what these Yankee fellows are to me, that would help me a lot. As far as I can tell, they seem to be a team that gets beaten severely by a group of men wearing red socks each year in October.

Sincerely,
Dwight Schrute
Former Assistant (to the) Regional Manager
Dunder-Mifflin, Scranton Branch

Penquin Plunge

Michael,

I made some new friends and we went swimming Saturday in Lake Champlain. It's called the Penguin Plunge and although a little chilly, the warmth of my new friends high-fiving my head kept me warm. Perhaps you could get a crowbar into your wallet and donate some cash as it benefits the Special Olympics. And don't use the petty cash for this, use your own money.

My new friend, Bryan, has a place you can send some cash. Please visit his fundraising website at:

www.firstgiving.com/bryanconnolly

Perhaps next year, you can get off your nice warm couch and raise some money too???

Sincerely,

Dwight Schrute

Former Assistant (to the) Regional Manager

Dunder-Mifflin, Scranton Branch

I decided to increase my muscle capacity...

Michael,

I have joined a local gym to help my survival skills. It is near your office and is called the Fitness Center. Perhaps you should join also as I have noticed the numerous Snickers bars have gone to your waist again. You might also consider not parading around different departments in search of food. Remember a bear hibernates each winter and needs extra food, but you are no bear.

Repeat the mantra, Beets and Barbells, Beets and Barbells, Beets and Barbells. It will do you good. Stay away from the all you can eat breakfast restaurants, I know you've been banned from Penny Cluse already. Try to resist.

More soon, I am off to do my 45 crunches, 50 sit-ups, 500 pound bench presses and 6 hour run on the treadmill. The trainers here are no match for me, I will beet them to a pulp with my tiny little hands.

Beware the Snickers bar!

Sincerely,

Dwight Schrute

Former Assistant (to the) Regional Manager

Dunder-Mifflin, Scranton Branch

Can you send me some cash?

Michael,

As you can see, I broke my glasses and went to the local optician for some new ones. Perhaps you can grab some money from petty cash, as you usually do for your afternoon Snickers bar, and send it my way. Please give it to my fine friends in front of Old Navy, they have promised not to spend it on coffee and cigarettes as they did last week.

Do you like my new frames? It's all the rage on cool people here in Burlington, Vermont. I checked my new Google Earth today and found out Vermont is near Canada. Did you know that? No wonder it's so cold here, and please send my jacket soon.

I noticed some of my former co-workers have become followers of this blog, but not you nor anyone from your business office. I think it's imperative for them to do so. Perhaps you can call a meeting and direct them to do so.

I will be in touch.

Sincerely,
Dwight Schrute
Former Assistant (to the) Regional Manager
Dunder-Mifflin, Scranton Branch

I tried to visit you one last time.

Michael,

I came by this afternoon to say my official goodbye to you but you were out. Apparently, you and Mr. Stinchfield were at Nectar's partaking of your favorite lunch time beverage and french fries with gravy. That will not help either of you lose weight so I advise you to eat Schrute's Beets. I believe they are sold at the City Market.

I bought a digital camera at LeZot's on Church Street. You should try them. Anyway, in my travels, I plan to send you photos from time to time, as I know you are worried. Please do not concern yourself, we Schrute's come from strong stock. I did forget my jacket though and it's starting to snow. So if you could just hand it to one of my new friends on Church Street, next time you're out drinking at lunch, I'd appreciate it. My friends are the ones drinking coffee, smoking cigarettes, and asking for change 12 hours a day in front of Old Navy. It's an honest living, so please don't judge them.

That's all for now. Tell Andy I don't hate him but do admire his taste in women. Tell Jim I have nothing to say to him. Tell Angela I am well and eating my beets every day.

This week, I plan to start looking for work, although for now, many kind strangers have been giving me their change. If you see me in front of Brooks, please pretend you don't see me, it's better that way.

Sincerely,

Dwight Schrute

Former Assistant (to the) Regional Manager

Dunder-Mifflin, Scranton Branch

To Michael

It is with a heavy heart that I must inform you that I have left Dunder-Mifflin to explore the world. After discovering the only love (besides my farm animals) of my life Angela has been sleeping with Andy, I have decided to take a leave of absence from the firm. I know this is disheartening to lose your assistant regional manager without notice, as I am the most necessary part of our company, I know you will survive.

Please let all of my co-workers, who I know are worried sick, that I am fine. I will be using the survivors skills that I acquired as a boy and those I have learned as assistant to the honorary deputy of the Lackawanna Volunteer Sheriff's Department, to help me battle the elements.

I will report back to you from time to time, but please don't worry. I packed dozens of can of Schrute beets to guide me along the way and keep me regular.

I know it looked like I was thrown away in the last episode but that was just a trick. The Dwight K Schrute bobble-head doll will always survive any major catastrophe, even losing the love of his life, Angela.

If you wish to contact me, please respond via my blog dwightschrutetales.blogspot.com. Tell all my friends to sign up to follow my adventures as I plan to write a book upon my return, Dwight K Schrute, Tales of the Beet Eater. When I will return, I truly can not say. You can also sign up to be a follower of this blog, look to the right and do so immediately so that I do not have to email you constantly with updates. Now! Do it, please. It's vital.

I know you will depressed while I'm gone but that is understandable. Be strong.

Sincerely,
Dwight K. Schrute
Former Assistant to the Regional Manager
Dunder-Mifflin, Scranton PA Branch